little do you know

Little do you know

How much I wept

Ever since you left me

Barely have I slept

Little do you know

How long I waited

Hoping you’d come back

My patience abated

Little do you know

How much it hurt

To see her with you

In your favourite black shirt

Little do you know

That my love was real

Realer than life

If only you could feel

Little do you know

I’m still hung up on you,

Memories and little things

That break my heart in two.

One September night

I remember how he buried

His face in my hair

And held me from behind

His soft hands snaking under my top

Until I was wrapped in his arms

And whispered in my ears

“You smell even better this close”

And he took me by surprise

Loosened my knotted top

Dropped it to the floor

And unbuttoned my jeans

Deftly with his gentle hands

“I want to see you. Now.”

Suddenly I felt so weak

And then he touched me more

I wished he’d never stop

Parting my hair to the right

Planting a kiss on my neck

Tender at first

Then vehemently

And then I lost control

Overwhelmed by his touch

In all those places

I wanted him to touch

I turned to look at him

And he pulled me close

“I love you and

I won’t let you go ever again.”

His eyes brimmed with passion

Fixated into mine

I stood up on my toes

And kissed him again

With my hands in his hair

Tugging and pulling

And I slid him out of his white shirt

And admired his flawless body

Built to perfection

Wondering if I deserved

to be loved like that

And drowned in our love

There we lay in the bed

Vacantly gazing

In each other’s eyes

He reached out to touch me

One last time

And I inched closer

I placed my head

Against his beating heart

He kisses my hair

And strokes my back

And I fall asleep in his arms

Until I found him

I looked for love in all the wrong places

In lonely beds and empty faces

Or movie screens and inked pages

But that was until I found him

There’s a depth to those eyes

There’s a truth in his voice

Was it love I saw?

Or my naive heart wanting to believe

In a false dream it has built

From the broken pieces of a loveless existence

Wanting to hold a hand

Or whisper secrets in his ears

Entwine my fingers in his

Banter with his black locks of hair

But the conscious voice of reason

Overrides infatuation

Love is for fools, you poor thing

A silly, short-lived emotion

It’ll tear you apart in ways

Worse than you will imagine

But this pain is worth the pleasure

And my stoic heart has learnt to feel

That was once trapped in a labyrinth

Restrained by the rules I made

But rules are meant to be broken

And the heart is meant to love

And pain is meant to be felt

My mind battles with my heart

And I try to fathom answers

In the depth of his eyes

When they look into mine

The world comes to a standstill

And my heart skips a beat.

His presence is intoxicating

Suffocating is his absence

Sometimes I idly wonder

Am I worthy of his admiration?

Does he think about me often

Or look for me when I’m gone?

He’s the smile on my face every morning

And my silent sobs into the night.

I want to cry

I bury my head in the pillow

So no one would hear me cry

Every sleepless night at 2

I’m awake thinking about you

I wish I could lay my head

On your chest

I wish you would stroke my hair

And put me to sleep

I wish you would kiss me

And whisper “Good night”

And I’m awake imagining

What we could’ve been

If things never went wrong

I want to call you, hear your voice

I type a text, then delete it

I put down my phone, then repeat it

Until I burst into tears again

Did I lose myself

While looking for you

Did I forget to cry

While pretending to be happy

Did I stop feeling the pain

While smiling it away

Those tears I bottled deep down

Now suffocate me

Struggling to come out

I want to cry, scream and shout.

He was never mine

Seeing him today

I realised

I never stopped loving him

Though I tried

Not that I didn’t notice him

But couldn’t look him in the eyes

He would know

I was still hurting

All those things he said to me

Sweet memories that evoke pain

While I was still writing our story

He turned the page of our book

And left

That’s how it ends

And no goodbye was said

I exhausted my love on him

And that I’ll regret forever

I wish he understood

But I know he wouldn’t

I never had him

Yet it feels like I’ve lost

Something that belonged to me

Or was meant to be as mine

But he wasn’t.

He was never meant for me

We weren’t meant to be.

I MISS YOU

I miss every word you said

Random cute messages

Reminding me you were

Thinking about me

I miss you saying “Don’t worry”

Like nothing could ever go wrong

I miss the way you looked at me

Like no one did before

I miss how you say my name

Like it’s not mine but yours

I miss how you narrow your eyes

And that pouty face you make

I miss the way you listened to my

Pointless chatter as if it’s a story

All those times you broke my heart

I miss how you said “I’m sorry”

I miss telling you how special you are

And exchanging glances from afar

I miss your smile and your eyes

I miss your voice and your vibe

I miss our mindless fights

I miss how you kept it cool

I miss saying “I hate you”

And knowing that I can’t.

I miss feeling jealous

From those girls you call ‘friends’

I miss making you laugh

Over the silly things I said

I miss you until it hurts

And I lie crying in my bed

I miss everything about you

I miss the moments we shared

But I know that you don’t miss me

Not a thought for me you spared.

The Journey Begins

This blog is for the heart-broken,

the lovelorn, the loners,

the lovesick, jilted lovers,

the overthinkers,

people who experience everything

way too intensely, particularly ‘love’,

people who know true love exists,

who have been in love

Or those who haven’t

Because the idea of love

Is too perfect to be true

For people who love

Ferociously and fearlessly,

the ‘Christian Grey’ way.

Deeply, honestly, infinitely

They love until it hurts

Until their hearts bleed

And their shattered souls weep

For someone who’s never coming back

They love until they’re out of patience

When they’re at the end of wits

Spiralling down into the darkness

Falling in their own pits

The pits they call “love”

But love is just an illusion

A fabricated compulsive delusion

In which the heart believes

But the mind fails to acquiesce…

Thanks for joining me!