I’d rather

I’d rather have you break my bed

than let you break my heart

You might leave my body aching

But you can’t tear my soul apart

I’d let you stay with me tonight

But love you? That I won’t

I’ll kiss you like I want you bad

But trust me on this, I don’t

I’d touch you in the darkest places

Yet there’s nothing I’d feel

It’s strange how love has numbed me

That I can’t tell if it’s real

So I won’t pin my hopes to you

Thinkin’ you’re the one

I’d rather throw myself to you

And have myself undone

Wrapped in a stranger’s arms

I’d rather waste away the night

I learnt it but the hard way

That love is a lost fight

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Stay

I know I’m a wreck

I know I’m no good for you

And this time I won’t ask

If you love me too

Just stay, that’s all I want

Stay before you leave

Never to come back again

Just let me watch you breathe

Touch me just one last time

Let me memorise

That look on your face

when you look into my eyes

I brush my feelings aside

But I drown in them again

Don’t leave me hurt and lonely

Mired in this pain

Because I’ve loved you way too much

too much to let you go

And it fuckin’ hurts to feel this way

But you’ll never know.

Love at first sight

The first time I saw your face

We were in the same train

I looked up from my book

To catch a glimpse of the outside rain

And I saw you looking at me

And then we locked eyes

And I lost myself in the moment

My soul froze like ice

3 seconds and I looked away

Couldn’t take it anymore

Cause you laid your eyes on me

Like no one did before

Once, Twice, thrice

You glanced at me again

I felt your eyes on me

All way long on that train

But the journey came to an end

In my heart, arose a pain

I turned to look at you one last time

For we’d never meet again

Your thoughts were reeling in my mind

All the way through

Half the day was spent

Thinking about you

Looking into the mirror

I wondered what you’d seen

Your eyes dancing with mischief

What those eyes could mean

They were gentle and wild

All at once so much

And it was love at first sight

It needed no touch

No words, no promises

No flowers or first kiss

Cause’ sometimes the sparks fly

When eyes meet, where words miss

Now you’re etched in my memory

No matter where you are

My heart will have a place for you

And I’ll love you from afar

P.S. I know this is like the lamest poem I could ever write. And childish. To be precise, nonsensical. Pointless, even. Boy, why did I even write it in the first place? (contemplates bad choices and cries in a corner)

Living in Extremes

If I love

I love to the point of madness

If I hate

I hate until I suck the life out of you

If I’m angry

Words come out of me like fire

If I’m sad

My life turns into a pitiful song

If I’m happy

Every inch of me smiles

I don’t know

What the word ‘balance’ means

All I know is

I live in ‘extremes’

I’m too impossible a thing to love

That no one even tries

So I push people away

Before they could leave me behind

How was Valentine’s?

It’s been a week since Valentine’s Day and though it’s pointless to talk about it now, anyways, fucked-up would be an understatement for how it went (rolls her eyes).

Like every year, I had no Valentine :((

I’m 19 and never in my life have I ever dated anyone. It may sound absurd but I want a boyfriend, I really do. Someone who never gets tired of listening to me babble, someone who tells me what I need to hear, someone who thinks I’m pretty despite my stubborn unruly hair and my not-so-clear skin. Someone who knows how much I love to drink tea and eat ice cream, someone who laughs to my jokes even if they aren’t funny at all, someone who, by one sweet text message, or one phone call, would uplift my mood, make my problems appear so trivial, someone who would watch me play guitar and sing to him even when my voice is a cacophony, someone who would call me his girl, someone who would force me to stop reading that Dan Brown book, drag me and take me on a long drive, someone who gives me a Big bear hug everyday for no reason. For once, I want to belong to someone. I want to know what it feels like to be in love.

One September night

One September night

I remember how he buried

His face in my hair

And held me from behind

His soft hands snaking under my top

Until I was wrapped in his arms

And whispered in my ears

“You smell even better this close”

And he took me by surprise

Loosened my knotted top

Dropped it to the floor

And unbuttoned my jeans

Deftly with his gentle hands

“I want to see you. Now.”

Suddenly I felt so weak

And then he touched me more

I wished he’d never stop

Parting my hair to the right

Planting a kiss on my neck

Tender at first

Then vehemently

And then I lost control

Overwhelmed by his touch

In all those places

I wanted him to touch

I turned to look at him

And he pulled me close

“I love you and

I won’t let you go ever again.”

His eyes brimmed with passion

Fixated into mine

I stood up on my toes

And kissed him again

With my hands in his hair

Tugging and pulling

And I slid him out of his white shirt

And admired his flawless body

Built to perfection

Wondering if I deserved

to be loved like that

And drowned in our love

There we lay in the bed

Vacantly gazing

In each other’s eyes

He reached out to touch me

One last time

And I inched closer

I placed my head

Against his beating heart

He kisses my hair

And strokes my back

And I fall asleep in his arms

Until I found him

I looked for love in all the wrong places

In lonely beds and empty faces

Or movie screens and inked pages

But that was until I found him

There’s a depth to those eyes

There’s a truth in his voice

Was it love I saw?

Or my naive heart wanting to believe

In a false dream it has built

From the broken pieces of a loveless existence

Wanting to hold a hand

Or whisper secrets in his ears

Entwine my fingers in his

Banter with his black locks of hair

But the conscious voice of reason

Overrides infatuation

Love is for fools, you poor thing

A silly, short-lived emotion

It’ll tear you apart in ways

Worse than you will imagine

But this pain is worth the pleasure

And my stoic heart has learnt to feel

That was once trapped in a labyrinth

Restrained by the rules I made

But rules are meant to be broken

And the heart is meant to love

And pain is meant to be felt

My mind battles with my heart

And I try to fathom answers

In the depth of his eyes

When they look into mine

The world comes to a standstill

And my heart skips a beat.

His presence is intoxicating

Suffocating is his absence

Sometimes I idly wonder

Am I worthy of his admiration?

Does he think about me often

Or look for me when I’m gone?

He’s the smile on my face every morning

And my silent sobs into the night.